MY OWN EXPERIENCESMY OWN EXPERIENCESI have probably suffered from a form of depression since I was about 7 years old. At that time my world fell apart. My father was injured in an horrific accident which involved the timber truck he was travelling in going over the side of a mountain. He was in hospital for 12 months.
During that time I was looking after my 7 month old baby sister while my mother visited my father in hospital. I was pushing her to sleep in her pram outside on our verandah and I went inside to get a drink. The young girl who lived next door (and who was intellectually disabled) came over and picked my little sister up out of her pram. When I came back outside, the girl panicked, dropped my little sister and ran. Donna received massive head injuries and died two weeks later.
My whole world fell apart. I thought I was to blame to Donna's death. I thought I was a bad person and all these bad things were happening to us because of me.
We lived in a country town. The local doctor prescribed Valium to calm me down. He kept prescribing valium for 7 years. As a result I do not have a child hood. I don't remember much at all. I was always in the haze of a valium induce stupour.
It wasn't until a new "modern" young doctor came to town when I was 14 that I was "eased off valium" (in a period of 3 days can you believe it). The withdrawal symptoms were horrendous, but nobody bother to explain to me why it was I was going through such hell.
I certainly wasn't told that I had probably suffered from post-traumatic shock when I was 7 and that was why I had been prescribed valium in the first place.
My next experience came when my marriage fell apart when I was 24. For two years after that I was "crazy". Angry all the time. Tired, but I couldn't afford to be. I had a 5 year old son to support and the rent to pay and the housework to do etc etc. I was prone to bursting into tears. I was suffering from pain in my back - my period pain was excruciating. I went to doctors of course. I was told I probably had soft tissue damage to my back from child birth. My period pain was supposedly fixed with "the pill". My tiredness was treated with comments like, "it's probably stress, you need to relax more, here listen to this tape, or do yoga, or have you tried hypnotherapy".
I struggled on. Life seemed to get a bit better. I met a wonderful man and we got married when I was 28. My job got progressively more responsible. I like my work and as I felt more comfortable and settled in my life than I had for a long time, I decided that I was good enough at my job to study law and get paid as a solicitor for doing the same kind of work I was already doing.
6 months later, my boss (whom I adored and had on a pedestal as a father figure/mentor) decided that after 5 years of working together, it wasa time he "hit on me". He expected me to sleep with him !!. I couldn't believe it. I was devastated. I had to leave my job. I cried for what seemed like months. All the aches and pains started to come back again.
I struggled on. Found a new job, kept up my studies and tried to deal with the ever increasing rebelliousness of my now teenage son. He got into a few troubles with the law - nothing too serious or for which he was ever charged. He was head-strong and we were butting heads almost every day.
I struggled on. Studying for exams was getting harder and harder. Getting up to got to work was getting harder and harder. When I got hime from work, I vegetated in the corner of the lounge. I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to have a shower or bath. Weekends were spent sleeping, trying to recoup enough energy to get up on Monday and repeat the whole process over again.
I went to 5 different doctors over a two year period. Each one diagnosed STRESS. Each one gave me various stress reducing methods to try. I refused to be given any medication (such as any number of benzodiazepenes that I was offered) not after my experience with valium.
Then one day at work, one of my bosses made a passing comment about my "delinquent son". He meant nothing by it, just a tease. But I started to cry. I couldn't stop. Not even having a cup of coffee or a cigarette in my mouth could stop the tears from falling. I was still crying at 2.00pm at the end of lunch hour, so I went home
.
I sat in the middle of my loungeroom floor and continued to cry. I thought "this is it Kerrie - you've gone over the edge girl - you need help". I opened the phone book and a name just seemed to jump out at me. Maybe fate intervened to give me that name because I really didn't know what I was doing or who I was looking for to help me. But the "CRISIS ASSESSMENT AND TREATMENT TEAM" seemed to be what I needed.
They were a godsend. They sent a counsellor around to my home. He sat with me and talked with m through all the tears. He gave me a medication to calm me down (a benzo as it happens but I didn't care by then). He arranged for me to see a doctor through their service. He came around every day for two weeks with my anti-depressant medication. Then every second day for two weeks, then once a week for another month. Only then did they deem it safe for me to handle my own medication and to see an "outside" psychiatrist to continue therapy and treatment.
I've learned a lot about depression since then. A number of medications have not worked for me, including Aurorix (Moclobomide - a newer MAOI type drug) and Prozac (fluroxetine an SSRI drug). I experienced bad side effects with the anti-psychotic (or mood stabiliser drugs) Nortryptoline. I'm now taking Aropax (paroexetine known as Paxil).
My head is clear at least on this drug and the fog has lifted. (I couldn't have typed this story otherwise). I'm experiencing incredible insomnia and will have to deal with that next, but I'm reluctant to give up this drug because I am at least clear headed now. And to someone who has always prided themselves on their clear thinking, logical mind, and who has been through the experience of "losing that mind", having it back is almost a miracle.
I'm still struggling on. I've been told that because of my history, I will probably need the intervention of antidepressants for most of the rest of my life.. I'm not resigned to that yet. I do a lot of my own research and don't just blindly depend on what my psych tells me. What I'm learning is that the whole medical profession only "thinks" that causes of depression include an imbalance of certain neuro-transmitters in the brain, that some imbalances are possibly genetic, and that certainly environmental factors appear to play a part.
There's still a long way to go, and a long road to hoe., but I'm hanging in there. If you are afflicted by this demon, please try to do the same.
UPDATE
I've decided to "86" the medication - I just got to the point where I'd had enough. My "intuition" was that it was time to go chemical free and I would probably be OK.
When I made the decision it had been 2 years, 2 months and 8 days since I took my first anti-depressant tablet. Initially the medication did bring me out of the major depressive episode. After about 3 months following my complete crack up, I had returned to some semblance of normality and was able to at least function again, but my mind was not mine anymore!
I have slipped into a number of depressive episodes during the past two years (none as serious as the first) but in that time I've been through 4 different types of antidepressants in combination with a number of anti-psychotic and mood stabilising drugs - then topped those off with three different types of benzos. All this in an effort to GET THE RIGHT MIX FOR ME. I don't believe I ever did find the "right mix" and I got fed up with juggling medications and still feeling basically like I was losing the battle to stay afloat.
I've read that, even without medication, a major depressive episode will usually "right itself" within a two year period so I concluded that I should give myself the chance to be ME - not this semi-person whose functionality depended on the levels of drugs in my system. If being drug free doesn't work and I slip back into a major depression, then I don't think I would have lost that much in the quality of my life the way it is at the moment. If IT happens again I would even be prepared to take another SHORT TERM COURSE of anti-depressants. BUT NEVER AGAIN
will I subject my body, and particularly my brain, to the bombardment of a chemical cocktail as I have over the past two years.
And the reason I'm so determined about that point ??? Well just read about the withdrawal symptoms I have been suffering after ceasing to take anti-depressants, and you might understand.
For about 2 months prior to deciding to quit the medication, I had only been taking paroxetine (Aropax in Australia but known as Paxil in some other countries) so I am putting the withdrawl symptoms down purely and simply to this particular anti-depressant.
The horrific symptoms include "meteroite strikes" in my brain that last anywhere between a few minutes and a few hours. It's like a bombardment of split second oxygen lapses to the brain. I feel nauseous and suffer the feeling of vertigo the whole time these "meteorite strikes" are occurring. At the same time, I get these pounding palpitations in my chest and neck - I can feel the arteries in my neck beating like a bass drum and at a rate which cannot be healthy.
These withdrawal symptoms got so bad about 10 days after I took the last half a tablet that I even considered starting to take them again, just to make the withdrawl symptoms stop !!
These "strikes" aren't happening as often now (16 days since last 1/2 tab) but when they do occur the intensity of them is just as great.
(Just in case you are wondering I am still under the supervision of a psychiatrist, and although I don't think he truly believes that I should discontinue medication, because of my past history, I think he is astute enough to understand that it's my body these drugs are affecting and ultimately MY decision whether to take them or not)
Suffering through these withdrawals has made me even more convinced that I made the right decision to quit this medication. Whilst genetics and environmental factors may have interferred with my particular blue print and induced these major depressive episodes, I cannot, and do not believe, that bombarding my brain and body with human produced chemicals is assisting Mother Nature to maintain my body in accordance with her original plan
So, for now, I am feeling good about my decision to quit medication, and MORE IMPORTANTLY, I'm feeling good mentally and emotionally. Once the withdrawal symptoms stop, I fully expect to feel good physically again too
I hope that you, and everyone else who have, and are still, walking in the darkness, will wish me well in my quest to "get back to nature" so to speakFURTHER UPDATE
I was able to stay "drug free" for 9 months before the fog started to set back in again. I reluctantly sought "medical intervention" again. This time I was prescribed a drug called "Efexor" (Venlafaxine). It worked as well in lifting the depression as Aropax (Paxil) but WITHOUT the severe side effects and withdrawal symptoms.
This time around I decided that 6 months of taking a medication was more than enough and after that time, I was able to maintain a fairly steady balance. I still occasionally ride the roller coaster, but the dips are nowhere near as severe as they use to be.
I am now taking a daily supplement of "St Johns Wort" (at my psychiatrist's suggestion) and it appears to be helping me maintain an even keel
My thoughts are with any of you out there who are fighting the demon depression.
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